Turning Down the Apple

I once read an online joke that mathematically proved that women are evil:

Women are Time and Money.

Women = Time x Money

We all know that Time is Money, so therefore:

Women = Money x Money

Women = Money2

The love of Money is the root of all Evil..

Women = ?ã(Evil)2

Women = Evil

Sure, it was a good laugh, but it really got me thinking. Math is based on fact. Facts are indisputable. No one in his right mind (except, perhaps, Big Brother) would assert that two and two was anything but four. So doesn’t it seem to follow that this equation has some truth to it? That perhaps women really are evil?

Let’s look at the facts. Women were granted the right to vote in 1920. Since then, the list of events that followed show a strong pattern: the Stock Market Crash of 1929 and the Great Depression, World War II, the Cold War, the space race, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Gulf of Tonkin Incident, the Vietnam War, the hippie movement, the invasion of Cambodia, Watergate, the Gulf War, Jimmy Carter, the War on Terror, rap music, Celine Dion’s endless farewell concerts, and Cher. What is the only thing linking all of these events?

Every facet of society has become "feminism-conscious," a version of self-consciousness that hampers our ability to function. If there is a men’s basketball team, then there must be a women’s basketball team. If there is no separate female division of the sport, women are allowed to participate (for example, in wrestling).

Not only have our social lives been tainted but also our professional lives. The English language has been manipulated in the workplace and elsewhere. There is no longer a mailman; there is a mailperson or, even worse, a postal service worker. Some feminists take offense to the spelling of "history" and insist that its root be changed to a more non-gender form like "history" or even "herstory." If there’s a mankind, there must be a womankind. Women are responsible for the kind of political correctness that makes us nervous about everyday speech. They are hampering our ability to communicate. Women want to give us a form of Newspeak from 1984. Soon you’ll be seeing things called "doubleplusungood" instead of simply "terrible." They will be responsible for the dumbing down our vocabularies and the diminishing of all our mental capabilities.

They are hampering production in the workplace, lowering the standards of competition in sports, and they are manipulating our language to such an extent that English has been perverted. It’s as though we have to do everything twice: once the right way, and once again for women. That screams of inefficiency. What could women possibly be trying to accomplish with all this? Why would all of these Gloria Steinem-worshipping, bra-burning sister suffragettes want to cause so much trouble?

It’s simple. Women are trying to destroy America.

They’re not using bombs, but they’re certainly using mental warfare. They do it subtly and methodically, and they have been for decades. It is even more apparent now. Women are converting other women to their modes of thinking. They are even trying to make men more womanly. They have manly men waxing their eyebrows, using face masks, buying anti-aging cream, taking yoga classes. Women have men working in the home while they are out working. They have men asking "Does this black belt go with these brown shoes?" and "Do I look fat in this?" Women are projecting their juvenile habits on men and women alike.

Men were content squeezing their 42" waists into 37" jeans. They were happy with their unibrows and scruffy beards. They reveled in their wrinkles and rejoiced in their rank smells. Men were men! But now? Men are becoming soft. They’re playing Mr. Mom and learning to bake. They are letting their guards down. And this is precisely what the women want.

Women are angry and unsatisfied with their natural roles in life, and they have sought to change them. In the process, they have destroyed men.

So how do we stop these creatures from killing Big Brother and assuming the role of Big Sister? How do we tell Eve "No thanks, I’m not hungry"?

We must destroy all feminism.

Yes, the solution seems impossible. How do we reverse the deep damage done by N.O.W. and Gloria Steinem? I assure you, it is possible. We can have a world in which equality is never questioned and our roles in society are natural and right. We can have a world in which the question is not "Why don’t you cook dinner for once?" but rather "What would you like for dinner?&qupt; Yes, it seems a Utopia. But it is possible. We merely need to claim back that which is rightfully ours. Men founded America, and men should continue to rule America. The Founders would have wanted it this way.

Women will outcry against our solution. They will try to convince us that we are oppressors and tyrants. They will tell us it’s irrational, that no matter what women will prevail and the same problem will rise again. They will try to reason that history (hystory? herstory?) repeats itself. They will raise valid points about how life cannot continue with women trapped barefoot in the kitchen. Do not trust them! They will say and do anything to bring about their domination.

So, men, cry out as one, "Soft no more! We’re men for war!&quot Join the ranks of manly men everywhere and reclaim the dignity and position that is rightfully yours. Go out to the field of battle and rip the head off this heathen Goliath called "feminism."

But before you go out for war, thank your sister for the teasing that made you tough, your wife for her undying support of your silly causes, and thank your mother for your life.

Sam Vajskop is a sophomore from Brecksville, Ohio, majoring in History and Political Science.